


hollow

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drinking, Established Relationship, Hiatus, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18302312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: He sighs as he closes his eyes against the prickle of tears and wishes once more to be anyone but himself...





	hollow

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Phandom Fic Fest Songfic challenge and inspired by The Hollows by Why?
> 
> Beta work was done by the lovely Evening42

They say money can't buy you happiness.

 

Apparently, it can't buy you peace either, Dan thinks as he tips his head back with a sigh. The chilly October sky is surprisingly clear tonight for London and the feeling of the crisp air moving over his skin helps ease the suffocating tension left over from earlier. He'd left his laptop inside, having absolutely no desire to spend time online tonight; choosing instead to make his way out to the tiny patio clutching a bottle of wine and glass in one hand and his fuzzy throw in the other, settling on the lounger to brood.

 

He hides out here sometimes when the noise in his head gets too loud and the walls of the flat feel like they're shrinking around him, trapping him inside where everything feels overly bright and harsh and his nerve endings too sensitive and raw. He feels dangerous like that, with the coiled tangle of his emotions twisting tighter inside to lie in wait, ready to burst out of him in a flood of bitter, angry sarcasm that drowns his target in venom.

 

Earlier today that target had been Phil.

 

They bicker sometimes, about wayward socks and whose turn it is to take out the bins. About silly things. Mundane things. Little annoyances that they fuss about daily as two people sharing a life together tend to do and then laughing about it when the day is done. But Dan had already been on edge and what had started as a mild exchange between them had spiraled out of Dan's control, causing him to lash out sharply, his hard words landing with unerring accuracy. After so many years together he knows where to aim his vitriol, knows just where Phil's tender spots are and how to use those words to pinch and jab and cause the most hurt.

 

And so he did.

 

He barely tastes his first glass of wine, drinking it down in huge, gulping swallows. He wants to get drunk. He wants to _be_ drunk so he can forget the tight, hurt expression that had been on Phil's face before Phil had taken a deep breath and left the room. Dan's feeling of ugly victory had been short-lived; the quiet sound of the front door closing bringing him to his senses as he bolted for the stairs, feet slipping on the treads as he ran down them as quickly as he could. He hadn't been fast enough to keep Phil from leaving and so has spent the last 2 hours in a state of angry remorse.

 

He pours himself another glass of wine and glances at his phone sitting beside him, silent and somehow accusing. Phil had been kind enough to text him after he'd left, letting him know that he was heading out for some air and that he'd be home after a time and that's the last Dan had heard from him. He hadn't said where he was going and Dan had been too ashamed of himself to ask, not that Phil would keep that from him. Phil's not vindictive like that, wouldn't ever use Dan's fears and vulnerabilities against him the way other people might. Instead, Phil draws on that seemingly never-ending well of patience he has, leaving Dan to himself when he gets too vicious but always returning to help calm the storm of his emotions.

 

He sighs as he closes his eyes against the prickle of tears and wishes once more to be anyone but himself.

 

**

 

He's halfway through his third glass of wine when he hears the sliding door open. Lifting the glass to his lips, he waits; too afraid of what he might find on Phil's face to turn around. He strains to hear the sound of footsteps coming closer, but all he hears is the sound of London at night.

 

“Can I join you or would you rather be alone?”

 

Dan's heart sinks a bit at Phil's caution. He must have really crossed the line today if Phil feels like he has to ask if he's welcome in Dan's space. He looks over at Phil's carefully blank face and shuffles over, flipping back the blanket in welcome. Phil's eyes are steady on his as he approaches, slipping into the newly created space to settle next to Dan.

 

He offers Phil the wine glass and closes his eyes when Phil takes it, letting his head fall back onto the lounger. He can hear Phil sip then set the glass aside as the silence grows and wonders what to say. He opens his mouth, but Phil beats him to it.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks, his hand coming up to cover Dan's. His thumb rubs over Dan's knuckles and the familiar comfort of it nearly makes him weep.

 

He turns to look at Phil then, admiring the way the moonlight gathers on the bridge of his nose and along his cheekbones. He's so fucking handsome and _good_ and god, he deserves so much more than the petty arguments and all of this bullshit Dan throws at him.

 

He says as much to him, turning his face away again to look up at the night sky. “You deserve better than this, Phil.”

 

“Dan-”

 

“It's true. I'm a mess and you know it.”

 

Phil sits up a bit and pulls on Dan's hand, his arm coming up to rest along Dan's shoulders when he curls into Phil's chest.

 

“You're not a mess. No, hush for a minute,” he says, his fingers pressing against Dan's mouth when he tries to interrupt. “You need to stop doing that. I'm not perfect, Dan. I have my own issues and flaws and do things that piss you off so stop putting me up on some pedestal.”

 

“Yeah, but you don't do things like this,” he argues. “You don't lash out and say shitty things to hurt me. You don't drive me from the house to who the fuck knows where for hours and god, I'm sorry Phil.” He looks up at Phil and says it again, “I'm sorry.”

 

Phil presses a kiss to his forehead and sighs. “I know, and I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have left, not when I know you've been struggling.” His hand is smoothing over Dan's hair and it soothes and helps quiet the noise in his head a little. “Are you ready to talk about it now?”

 

“Can I have more wine first?” he asks. He tries to play it off as a joke but he's strangely nervous and needs a bit more liquid courage. He knows it's stupid to feel nervous confiding in Phil, but he can't help it and his fingers shake a bit when he reaches for the glass Phil is holding out to him. Phil frowns at the sight but holds his tongue, waiting for Dan to speak.

 

“You're right when you say I've been struggling. We both know that I've been holding off a breakdown for months now,” he sighs. He swallows a mouthful of wine and enjoys the warmth that blooms in his belly. He's tipsy enough not to feel the chilly air but not so tipsy that he can't articulate the thoughts bouncing around in his head.

 

He can feel the way Phil tenses beneath his cheek and regrets the worry he knows he’s causing. But he also feels a sense of relief at finally feeling ready to open up, of knowing that he _can_ open up to Phil and not have to worry about any judgment or criticism.

 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice is shaky now, tight with the tension that’s flooded his body at Dan’s mention of a breakdown. It’s not a word they use lightly and to hear Dan say it now has him squeezing Dan a bit closer.

 

He sips again then passes the glass back to Phil before continuing. “I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't feel like I even _know_ myself anymore. Everything I do on camera, every video made feels like some character that I just happen to play when the record light comes on. Which is fine for skits and stuff...”

 

“But?”

 

He shifts closer to Phil and burrows under the throw, hiking one leg up to rest over Phil's thighs. “But I'm starting to feel like that all the time. I just put on whatever persona is expected for whatever we're doing and it never really feels like me.”

 

“Faces, you said,” Phil murmurs, his arm tightening around Dan once more. “In the mukbang video, when you said you didn't feel like you had a personality, just faces that you wear.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, exactly that,” Dan sighs, grateful that Phil understands what he means. “I've been hiding behind them for so long that now I-I don't know if I do things because I genuinely want to or because I'm seeking the validation it brings me.”

 

“Oh Dan…”

 

“I just feel empty sometimes, you know?” He keeps going, letting all of the worries he's been bottling up over for so long spill free, panic simmering in his gut. “I've been howling into the void for years now and am no closer to understanding myself now than I was ten years ago. Are my interests truly mine or have they been shaped by the millions of voices telling me what I _should_ be interested in?”

 

The noise Phil makes is guttural and choked off as he wraps himself protectively around Dan's body as if to shield him from pain.

 

“Why didn't you tell me you felt like this?” Phil asks softly. His voice is strained and full of hurt. “Dan, I could have helped-”

 

“You can't, Phil,” he interrupts gently. “You can't be the only thing I have that fills the hollows inside of me. I love you, so much that it scares me a little sometimes. But I have to figure myself out.”

 

“What do I like, what do I want to do?” Dan closes his eyes when Phil rests his cheek on the top of his head and matches his breathing to Phil's, their chests rising and falling in sync. “Who am I, Phil?” he whispers.

 

“I know who you are,” Phil whispers back, tipping his head down to brush his lips against Dan's. “You're someone who feels so much, it scares you sometimes. A person who speaks out against bullying after facing so much of it yourself, who's brave enough to talk openly about mental health issues to give hope to others.”

 

He feels himself getting choked up at that, sniffling a bit when his eyes tear up. “Phil-”

 

But Phil's not done and he hushes him once again. “A big heart, a brilliant mind, questionable taste in music and men-”

 

His laugh is strangled by the emotion squeezing his throat. “Um, rude.”

 

“- all of these things and more are who you are, Dan.”

 

They fall quiet for a while, sharing the rest of the wine as they cling to each other for comfort under the cozy throw. He thinks about the things Phil had said, of the tangled thoughts in his head and takes a deep breath.

 

“Phil, I want to take a break. You know, from filming and YouTube and… and all of it I guess.”

 

“Ok”

 

He lifts his head to look at Phil incredulously. “Ok? As simple as that?” he demands. “That’s all you have to say about it?”

 

Phil tilts his head and gives him a little smile.  “As simple as that. You know I'll always support you so what did you expect me to say?” he asks with a shrug. “We'll do whatever it takes to give you the time you need.”

 

“People won't understand. Phil, you know they'll be angry-”

 

“Some will be,” he agrees, “Some will move on, and that's alright. They're entitled to their feelings, and we won't blame them for it. But you can't let that change what you want to do, what you _need_ to do.”

 

He makes it sound simple as if they're not talking about a massive upheaval in their lives and their careers. But Phil's right, he does need to do this. For himself mostly, to work at discovering who he is and who he wants to be. But also a bit for Phil, who deserves more than he ever asks for. But he'll spare himself the lecture and keep that to himself.

 

“I don’t know what to do or even how to do it. What will we say?”

 

“We can say we’re reevaluating the gaming channel after the holidays. A nice clean start, a brand new year. And we can call it whatever you want. You only have to share what you feel comfortable with, Dan.”

 

They look at each other in companionable silence as that elusive sense of peace finally settles over him. There are details to be worked out and plenty of things left to discuss but for now, Dan lets his worries drift away, even if just for tonight.

 

“I love you, you know that?”

 

Phil makes a lazy sound in the back of his throat and pulls Dan closer, tugging the blanket up a bit higher to cover their shoulders. “I love you too. And I promise everything will be alright.”

 

“But now I'm tipsy and ready for cuddles,” he yawns. “What time is it, anyway?”

 

Dan looks at his phone and smiles softly, “It's 11:11. Are you gonna make a wish, babe?”

 

“mmm, don't need to make a wish. I already have everything I want right here,” Phil mumbles, turning his face into Dan's hair.

 

“Me too, Phil,” he whispers back as he tucks his head beneath Phil’s chin. He feels warm all over, his heart full of love for the man struggling to stay awake next to him and for the first time in days he feels like he can finally breathe.

 

“Me too.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> you can like/reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/183843555185/hollow-rating-t-words-23k-summary-he-sighs-as)


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